Transparent Tuesday

So...let's call today, Transparent Tuesday. I don't know if I come off condescending at times on here(at times, lol, it's only been a few days)but here is a letter I sent to a mentor of mine:

So I've been having a problem. It started some time last year, about the time that my wife and I were in counseling. My wife had found some poems that I'd written about a year and a half ago, and the tone and content of the poems basically reflected the things that we ended up going through. Caused a huge deal. Fast forward into last fall and when I began to think about my gift and where and how I usually got my inspiration, i started to realize that all inspiration is not Godly inspiration, I kind of took on this sort of apprehension about my writing.

See, I'd always thought that creativity had nothing to do with faith, and vice-versa. Now I'm not so sure. The bible says that out of the heart flows the issues of life. I was almost subconsciously writing poetry about what i was dealing with, going through and all that. There was almost a prophetic aspect to the things I was writing. Now looking back I realize that i left myself open to dangerous things and I now have a great fear of my own creativity now.

When you asked me if I was ready to start performing again last week, i went home and thought about it. I havent written anything in a long time, and at first it was because I felt empty, but now it's because I fear tapping into my creative side again. I feel as though my gift has somehow betrayed me, and I know longer trust that side of myself. It's been heartbreaking because I've never felt so bound creatively before. I don't really know who I am as an artist anymore. I'm having trouble finding my place, and a huge part of it is because I no longer trust my creative insight. I don't know what to do.


I guess I post this because being transparent and confronting fear is great part of being a man. So there it is.