Rejection

It hurts to be rejected. I've experienced it time and again and it's something that you never really get used to. I just got rejected for a job that I was sure I had locked. I was all faithed up on this one. Really confessing and making plans to move from the old job to the new one. Lord knows I needed it. Finances are rough right now and things arent looking easier. I saw this job as a way to ease that. Maybe that was the problem.

I was looking to this job as my sustenance when I should have really placed that faith in God. I can't help feeling like I'm not good enough, but I know that wasn't the case. Maybe the job wasn't what I thought it would be. Maybe God saved me from a worse situation. Either way, part of faith is accepting what comes as God's ultimate plan. Nothing more, Nothing less.

21 DAYS

So, along with Every Man's Battle. I'm also reading a book for Discovery 2 class, called The Greatest Secret by Rob McIntosh. The basic premise of the book is changing your thinking based on the God's Law of Attraction.  In the third chapter it talks about the ability to form positive habits in a 21 day time period. So i decided to set a few goals for myself in an attempt to jumpstart positive effects in my life.


I'm not the smallest guy, and it has been a concern for me that my health will cause me to not live as long or as abundantly as I could. So the next twenty one days I'm dedicating to improving my health status. Exercise five days a week. Controlled portions of food. And water.


I don't plan to stop at 21 days but I figure setting a short term goal and expanding it is the way to go. I'm putting practical application to the theory I'm reading so it should be good. Wish me luck.

...On Faith

Romans 5:3-5

3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Faith. That's the topic for today. It's something that I've been pondering and studying lately as it seems I am in a stand-off with my faith. Or for my faith.

The above scripture was given to me today by a co-worker(who ironically is not saved) and it couldn't have come at a better time for me right now. I've written previously about how I felt I'd reached a new level in my walk with God, and I'm realizing how unprecedented this has been in my life. I've not experienced Him in this way before and so some things are new to me.

I've always thought of faith as my ability to believe hard enough for blessings, etc. I'm now realizing that faith is not that at all.  That sort of faith is like crossing your fingers and hoping to win the lottery. The true faith is that described in Hebrews 11. Faith displayed by the likes of Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, and even Rahab. Faith unseen presence of God. Faith that the things He promises have ALREADY been delivered, whether they have manifested or not.  Being unable to see or even feel Him, but KNOWING that He is there and resting in that presence.

I've always exercised the faith of Peter. You know the story. Jesus is walking on water and Peter asks Him to confirm his presence by allowing Peter to walk on water. I used to think, and had been taught that this was an amazing display of Peter's faith compared to the others on the boat. However, now with my experience and study, I realize that this was not an exercise in faith at all.  I now feel that Peter never believed he could walk on water. He was challenging Jesus, because He still did not believe he was the Son of Man. It was as if he was saying, Lord it's not enough that you are walking on water and it's clearly you, but show me more. Impress me. Make ME walk on water as well. That is why Jesus chastised Peter when he rescued him, because Peter never believed he could walk on water. He was only testing Jesus's claim as a deity.  I've done this plenty of times in my life, challenged God to impress me with His omnipotence and then cowered when His power was on display. Rather than believing He was there whether he showed himself or not.

This type of "faith" is dangerous because it reduces God to peek a boo status. If He does something great then He's God and worthy of our worship and loyalty. If He doesn't then we cast Him off. This mentality is what kept the Israelites wandering in the desert so long. 

Instead we should be like Abraham who was willing to sacrifice his son Isaac knowing that God would and could resurrect Him because He'd been given a promise. Or the Hebrew boys who understood that God did not have to prove himself by saving them for them to understand that He was indeed God.  In the same way in my life I am learning to rest in the peace of His (omni)presence. Like the above scripture, I'm facing difficult times and my patience and endurance is being tested. However, my faith is growing as I begin to understand that God's Word does not return void. His promises can be fulfilled even on my deathbed and it is the ultimate reward to be welcomed into His kingdom based only on my unwavering belief in its existence. Not because of how much He has blessed me. THAT is the true definition of faith. And that is what I now aspire to.

Unfailing Love of God

Psalm 13

 1 O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
      How long will you look the other way?
 2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
      with sorrow in my heart every day?
      How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
 3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
      Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
 4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
      Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

 5 But I trust in your unfailing love.
      I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
 6 I will sing to the Lord
      because he is good to me.

I didn't post anything this past week for a few reasons. One, I didn't have Internet access during a snowstorm that brought my city to a virtual standstill. Two, the past week has been the weakest, loneliest week that I've experienced in a while.

It is interesting that I felt this way because everything around me says that things should be going well. I'd just come off an amazing weekend at the Men's Encounter where I definitely felt a breakthrough in my walk with God. I have my family, my mentors, and a great church family, but somehow I felt alone. I'd been riding the longest spiritual high I've ever had and then suddenly it was as if someone turned the lights out. I reached out to two people I trust dearly and they both told me the same thing. Relationships with God are just like relationships with people. There are highs, lows, ebbs and flows. Times we feel so connected, and times we feel distant. The key is to rest in the knowledge that the relationship exists, and is strong enough to bear you through the distant times.

Allow me to be transparent a moment. When you are recovering from a major fall in sin, there are people that you encounter, who mean well but can sometimes be frustrating. Those who are there to walk you along the path to restoration (Gal 6:1) often times, without intention I'm sure, tend to treat you with a sort of condescending pity. Most conversation with them usually revolves around them asking you how you're doing, with very concerned looks on their faces. Basically what they are saying is "Have you been sinning? Are you thinking about sinning? Are you gonna sin again?"  They mean well, and can even be helpful when needed. But building relationships with them is difficult because it is always on a 70/30 basis. They want to know everything about you and what you're going through. They rarely reveal anything about themselves, mostly because you are the one who sinned, and obviously can't be trusted, (at least this was my feeling) and so they are doing their duty as a good christian. What they don't realize is that while they've made themselves great advisers, and accountability peers, they haven't made themselves great friends. Friendship is based on an equal give and take, an equal contribution, and at times these relationships start to feel like you only talk to them when there is a problem. Or vice-versa. You start to feel like a charity case. People observe you from a distance, applaud your progress and pat you on the back, but no one really gets close or lets you into THEIR space. So this past week, I was very upset at the relationships I have in my life, because at the moment it seems that this is what they consist of. I vented this frustration to my wife and wondered, as I'm sure Job did, why God had left me alone after such great time together.

That was good advice. But not enough. I felt so distant from God that I considered that maybe everything I'd experienced in the last year was a fluke. That I was not the man I thought I'd become. I allowed the enemy to creep into my thoughts, tell me how I'd failed, how I'd regressed and was no longer worthy of God's grace. Granted it had only been a week's time. I had not committed any sinful acts and honestly was doing things the same as always. But I felt lost. I felt abandoned. I sat through service yesterday and listened to a guest preacher talk about discipleship, and the importance of leaning on each other, and I felt at that moment that I had no one to lean on.

Enter the Holy Spirit. While I was lamenting my failures, and allowing the enemy to have a field day in my mind up to the point that I was determined to cut off relationships that I knew were vital to my success. I finally decided to open my bible for my one year reading, that I'd neglected during the previous week. I came across the above passage and literally broke down. It's amazing how the Word of God can pinpoint exactly the emotion that you are feeling at a time. I dropped to my knees and begin to pray to God about what I was feeling, and in those moments of prayer it came to me that sometimes the Lord will test us to prove our worth or our resolve. This sparked a new revelation that i will touch on tomorrow but it felt as if the light had been switched back on and I'd found my place again. I felt the love of God wrap around me and I felt validated again. The lesson I learned however was that times like these are simply a sign for me to push through the darkness to the next phase. I'm glad to say that I'm back on track and feeling good again. Praise God.
Final thing. The last two versus are what pulled me out of my funk. "But I will trust in your UNFAILING LOVE. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me." These words, trusting in God's unfailing love. Rejoicing because he is good. Worshipping. It was in that moment when I realized the significance of his his assurance that he would never leave nor forsake me. Sometimes We are tested. Sometimes we have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, but GOD IS ALWAYS THERE. He will never leave, nor forsake us. Even if I make my bed in hell(psalm 139:8). Praise God.

Peace.

Transparent Tuesday

So...let's call today, Transparent Tuesday. I don't know if I come off condescending at times on here(at times, lol, it's only been a few days)but here is a letter I sent to a mentor of mine:

So I've been having a problem. It started some time last year, about the time that my wife and I were in counseling. My wife had found some poems that I'd written about a year and a half ago, and the tone and content of the poems basically reflected the things that we ended up going through. Caused a huge deal. Fast forward into last fall and when I began to think about my gift and where and how I usually got my inspiration, i started to realize that all inspiration is not Godly inspiration, I kind of took on this sort of apprehension about my writing.

See, I'd always thought that creativity had nothing to do with faith, and vice-versa. Now I'm not so sure. The bible says that out of the heart flows the issues of life. I was almost subconsciously writing poetry about what i was dealing with, going through and all that. There was almost a prophetic aspect to the things I was writing. Now looking back I realize that i left myself open to dangerous things and I now have a great fear of my own creativity now.

When you asked me if I was ready to start performing again last week, i went home and thought about it. I havent written anything in a long time, and at first it was because I felt empty, but now it's because I fear tapping into my creative side again. I feel as though my gift has somehow betrayed me, and I know longer trust that side of myself. It's been heartbreaking because I've never felt so bound creatively before. I don't really know who I am as an artist anymore. I'm having trouble finding my place, and a huge part of it is because I no longer trust my creative insight. I don't know what to do.


I guess I post this because being transparent and confronting fear is great part of being a man. So there it is.

Destroying the Ball and Chain

Marriage is under attack. I was trying to figure out how to start today's post, but I can't think of any other way than to say, marriage is under attack. I know, old news right? But even though we've heard this before, as someone who has been on the brink of losing my marriage, through my own selfish actions, I realized that I had succumbed to some very erroneous logic that caused me to be a less than stellar husband to my wife. Since my confession, and repentance, I strive to live up to the ultimate example of husbandry, our Lord Jesus Christ. Don't wanna sound like I've made it, because I haven't. But everyday I'm taking responsibility for my actions and seeking to love my wife as I should and be a good steward of my house. That being said, I wanted to explore some of the logic I'm speaking of that has led me and many other men astray.

First off, marriage is probably the most important decision a person makes in life. Choosing a wife should not be done carelessly or without  making sure we as men know the person we're choosing to marry, but more importantly that we know OURSELVES. This knowledge of self will help you evaluate whether or not you are even ready to be a man, let alone carry a wife and family. Maturity does not come with age, but through the acceptance of responsibility, as it is with manhood.  Had I carefully examined myself and motives I would have saved my wife and children the heartache of suffering through my failures as an immature "man-child". I would have listened when the Lord was warning me I was not ready, on the day of my wedding, as I hyperventilated while my best friend attempted to encourage me.  I was not honest with him, or myself on that day, and it would be a long road, and harsh fall before I would finally admit my lack of maturity, selfishness, and sinful nature.

But on to my point. Three things that I fell trap to, that I also see some other men fall to as well: The ball and chain mentality, married but living single, and the fantasy of something more. These three are the main holes in our mentality towards marriage that undermines our manhood, and our ability to lead our homes properly.

Ball and Chain
When I got married, I almost immediately felt the burden of my responsibility. I was 22 years old, a college dropout and working a dead end job. My mentality was that now married, I was destined to continue this joyless future for the rest of my life. It caused such contempt between my wife and I that it took a toll on every aspect of our marriage. This mentality carried over into the birth of my daughter as I viewed the early birth as a hindrance to my future.

Married But Living Single
It is no secret that a married man becomes suddenly more attractive to women. However, in my case, because of the strain of my relationship at home, I would indulge in flirting, getting into personal conversations and other interactions with women that eventually led to my demise. A married man must decide to be married and that's it. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

Fantasy of Something More
Again, because of the strain at home, I began to fantasize of the day when my marriage would eventually be over and I would marry the "woman of my dreams". The woman that would understand me, and listen, and respect me. Obviously I placed myself high above my wife and thought that she should just comply even though I was doing nothing to treat her the way I should. How flawed was my thinking.

The TRUTH is, there is so much freedom in marriage, IF YOU ACCEPT THE DECISION THAT YOU'VE MADE. If you constantly regret, or lash out or try to change the rules of marriage, you will be perpetually unhappy and eventually come to a demise, losing everything. Sometimes you don't know what you've got until it's gone, and I can attest to that. But why let it get that far?

Marriage holds tremendous freedom for those who make the right decision and embrace it. You never have to worry about a date, freedom from celibacy, freedom to be your complete and whole self, and the freedom to build a life and future away from your birth family. If you've decided to be married, ACT MARRIED. LIVE MARRIED. Otherwise you will feel confined and the ball and chain will eventually drag you down.
Peace.

Purpose of this Blog

Along with chronicling my personal journey into manhood, which I'm now convinced only truly begins at age 25, (those who are younger will understand when youreach that age), I feel the need to share my insight, errors, and illuminations(no Mason) along the way. As well as these succinct and just flat-out definitive statements of devloping maturity:

To know wisdom and instruction; to perceive the words of understanding;

To receive the instruction of wisdom, justice, and judgment, and equity;

To give subtilty to the simple, to the young man knowledge and discretion.

A wise man will hear, and will increase learning;

and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels

Prov 1:2-5

Need I really say more?