Chasing Dreams: Faith Without Work

^{James 2:26} Just as the body is dead without breath,^[d] so also faith is dead without good works.

So Saturday night I had a few transparent moments on Twitter. A little bit of background, I was on the net and came across a website owned by a friend of mine that I went to college with back in 2001. He owns his own event planning business, does modeling, etc. He had a picture of himself and his bio on the About Me page and all I could do was be jealous of his success.

This jealousy propelled me into a depressing, self-loathing, God blaming tirade that lasted until Sunday morning. The basic premise of which was, the church has made us lazy by dangling the purpose and destiny carrot in front of us, but rarely are we seeing results. If i'm busy dreaming and believing, I'm not working, and therefore not getting the things I'm supposedly destined to achieve. Man how I was wrong.

It's amazing how a simple word from the Lord can change your whole perspective. Sunday morning Pastor Mike Todd (WHO WE BE? So F.L.Y) preached a simple message, but one that shattered my whole world. Faith without works is dead.

Simple Right? See the thing is, in my heart, I had challenged God that night. Basically what is the point of me living this life if success is only a mirage in a desert of trials? But like Job when he questioned the Lord, God brought the answer straight from His word, to my level. How dare I question Him and his method, when I had put NO WORK to my faith? I claim that all these years I been believing God to take me places, but if I really believed I'd have been preparing myself to get there right? It's not God's fault that I've been twiddling my thumbs while believing for the miraculous to fall out of the sky. It's mine. SO the things I want, I should pursue. God chasers can indeed be Dream chasers. In fact, that's the way it's supposed to be.

So no more wistful dreaming. TIme to put the plow to work. Leggo.

Dichotomy of a Man

A little personal today. Sometimes I feel like there's two Me's. There's the creative, poetic, artistic, L.O.G.O.S.(new stage name, trying it out) and then there is Laurent. I'll explain.

The creative me, also known as Squeak in my head, is lively, listens to soul music, appreciates and loves art, and writes. Man does he write. I love this cat, and when I'm in that mode, i feel like i can do anything. 

Then there is Laurent. Husband, father, man of God, you know all that. Works the 9-5 and supports the fam. Tries to be a good husband and father, and walk by integrity. I love this guy too because of the personal rewards (and the not going to hell factor). The problem I'm having is that it seems i either feel like one, or the other. Rarely both.

I feel most times that I have to suppress my artistic side and try REALLY hard to be just Laurent. L.O.G.O.S comes natural. It just flows (C)Tonex. Laurent at times feels forced. Like i have to make a cognizant effort to be this person and that discourages me, and makes me jaded at times, moody, and a little depressed. I'm still searching for a way to merge the two people, or if that is even possible  to do, but my biggest fear is that one day I'm gonna have to give up one, and since there is much more at stake for the family man, it will obviously be Mr. Creativity. Don't know if I'll be ready when that day comes.

Thing i can't figure out is which "me" is essential to me achieving my purpose. At times I feel one or the other, but rarely both. I can't decide if it's me being unable to decide who i want to be, or if it's because I'm supposed to fuse them into one. What do y'all think?

Peninsula, Maybe

I've learned a lot about myself in the last year. Primarily my co-dependence on friends that has made me weak. I guess I was too busy being a friend, worrying about those relationships that I never paid attention to my own decencies in the character department. Or maybe I hoped to subconsciously live vicariously through those I thought better than me. In any event, the results have been negative to say the least.

They say no man is an island. What if he's forced to be one? How many relationships should a man force or pursue that yield no dividends, in the name of accountability or camaraderie? How long should I try in vain to be apart of something or build something with people who don't share the same interests or intentions? I'm starting to think that being an island is the only way to survive. Hawaii is an island and they get along great. People forget about them until they want to get away for vacations or until hurricanes hit. Sounds a lot like once going on with me right now. Unless there's a crisis, or someone needs to get away from their own problems, there's no need for interaction.  Which is cool I guess. I get a chance to get to know me even better.

So this is the evolution into manhood, huh. This is putting our childhood things behind us. This is growing up. Selah.

Rejection

It hurts to be rejected. I've experienced it time and again and it's something that you never really get used to. I just got rejected for a job that I was sure I had locked. I was all faithed up on this one. Really confessing and making plans to move from the old job to the new one. Lord knows I needed it. Finances are rough right now and things arent looking easier. I saw this job as a way to ease that. Maybe that was the problem.

I was looking to this job as my sustenance when I should have really placed that faith in God. I can't help feeling like I'm not good enough, but I know that wasn't the case. Maybe the job wasn't what I thought it would be. Maybe God saved me from a worse situation. Either way, part of faith is accepting what comes as God's ultimate plan. Nothing more, Nothing less.

Searching Inside Myself, For Myself

I am a poet
I did not choose to be
I just AM
It was thrust upon me
birthed inside of me
planted in a garden
of creativity
I am not always
cognizant of it
i am not always
sure of it
i do not always
embrace it,
but it is
and so am I
a poet

Selah

on Second Thought

Going back reading some of my previous posts, i'm starting to wonder if I've been coming off a little haughty. Almost with a "I've already made it" attitude. If I have, I apologize. I must say that I only want to help others and help myself as well.

As an avid reader, the best part about reading is sharing with others new discoveries. That is originally what this blog was supposed to be. Not preachy. Not condescending or pious. Just reflective discovery of my own life which I hoped would help others like me. 

I'm working to improve my ability to connect more concisely and creatively.   Til then, stick with me as I walk, and sometimes stumble through this journey of manhood.

...On Faith

Romans 5:3-5

3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Faith. That's the topic for today. It's something that I've been pondering and studying lately as it seems I am in a stand-off with my faith. Or for my faith.

The above scripture was given to me today by a co-worker(who ironically is not saved) and it couldn't have come at a better time for me right now. I've written previously about how I felt I'd reached a new level in my walk with God, and I'm realizing how unprecedented this has been in my life. I've not experienced Him in this way before and so some things are new to me.

I've always thought of faith as my ability to believe hard enough for blessings, etc. I'm now realizing that faith is not that at all.  That sort of faith is like crossing your fingers and hoping to win the lottery. The true faith is that described in Hebrews 11. Faith displayed by the likes of Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, and even Rahab. Faith unseen presence of God. Faith that the things He promises have ALREADY been delivered, whether they have manifested or not.  Being unable to see or even feel Him, but KNOWING that He is there and resting in that presence.

I've always exercised the faith of Peter. You know the story. Jesus is walking on water and Peter asks Him to confirm his presence by allowing Peter to walk on water. I used to think, and had been taught that this was an amazing display of Peter's faith compared to the others on the boat. However, now with my experience and study, I realize that this was not an exercise in faith at all.  I now feel that Peter never believed he could walk on water. He was challenging Jesus, because He still did not believe he was the Son of Man. It was as if he was saying, Lord it's not enough that you are walking on water and it's clearly you, but show me more. Impress me. Make ME walk on water as well. That is why Jesus chastised Peter when he rescued him, because Peter never believed he could walk on water. He was only testing Jesus's claim as a deity.  I've done this plenty of times in my life, challenged God to impress me with His omnipotence and then cowered when His power was on display. Rather than believing He was there whether he showed himself or not.

This type of "faith" is dangerous because it reduces God to peek a boo status. If He does something great then He's God and worthy of our worship and loyalty. If He doesn't then we cast Him off. This mentality is what kept the Israelites wandering in the desert so long. 

Instead we should be like Abraham who was willing to sacrifice his son Isaac knowing that God would and could resurrect Him because He'd been given a promise. Or the Hebrew boys who understood that God did not have to prove himself by saving them for them to understand that He was indeed God.  In the same way in my life I am learning to rest in the peace of His (omni)presence. Like the above scripture, I'm facing difficult times and my patience and endurance is being tested. However, my faith is growing as I begin to understand that God's Word does not return void. His promises can be fulfilled even on my deathbed and it is the ultimate reward to be welcomed into His kingdom based only on my unwavering belief in its existence. Not because of how much He has blessed me. THAT is the true definition of faith. And that is what I now aspire to.

Unfailing Love of God

Psalm 13

 1 O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
      How long will you look the other way?
 2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
      with sorrow in my heart every day?
      How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
 3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
      Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
 4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
      Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

 5 But I trust in your unfailing love.
      I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
 6 I will sing to the Lord
      because he is good to me.

I didn't post anything this past week for a few reasons. One, I didn't have Internet access during a snowstorm that brought my city to a virtual standstill. Two, the past week has been the weakest, loneliest week that I've experienced in a while.

It is interesting that I felt this way because everything around me says that things should be going well. I'd just come off an amazing weekend at the Men's Encounter where I definitely felt a breakthrough in my walk with God. I have my family, my mentors, and a great church family, but somehow I felt alone. I'd been riding the longest spiritual high I've ever had and then suddenly it was as if someone turned the lights out. I reached out to two people I trust dearly and they both told me the same thing. Relationships with God are just like relationships with people. There are highs, lows, ebbs and flows. Times we feel so connected, and times we feel distant. The key is to rest in the knowledge that the relationship exists, and is strong enough to bear you through the distant times.

Allow me to be transparent a moment. When you are recovering from a major fall in sin, there are people that you encounter, who mean well but can sometimes be frustrating. Those who are there to walk you along the path to restoration (Gal 6:1) often times, without intention I'm sure, tend to treat you with a sort of condescending pity. Most conversation with them usually revolves around them asking you how you're doing, with very concerned looks on their faces. Basically what they are saying is "Have you been sinning? Are you thinking about sinning? Are you gonna sin again?"  They mean well, and can even be helpful when needed. But building relationships with them is difficult because it is always on a 70/30 basis. They want to know everything about you and what you're going through. They rarely reveal anything about themselves, mostly because you are the one who sinned, and obviously can't be trusted, (at least this was my feeling) and so they are doing their duty as a good christian. What they don't realize is that while they've made themselves great advisers, and accountability peers, they haven't made themselves great friends. Friendship is based on an equal give and take, an equal contribution, and at times these relationships start to feel like you only talk to them when there is a problem. Or vice-versa. You start to feel like a charity case. People observe you from a distance, applaud your progress and pat you on the back, but no one really gets close or lets you into THEIR space. So this past week, I was very upset at the relationships I have in my life, because at the moment it seems that this is what they consist of. I vented this frustration to my wife and wondered, as I'm sure Job did, why God had left me alone after such great time together.

That was good advice. But not enough. I felt so distant from God that I considered that maybe everything I'd experienced in the last year was a fluke. That I was not the man I thought I'd become. I allowed the enemy to creep into my thoughts, tell me how I'd failed, how I'd regressed and was no longer worthy of God's grace. Granted it had only been a week's time. I had not committed any sinful acts and honestly was doing things the same as always. But I felt lost. I felt abandoned. I sat through service yesterday and listened to a guest preacher talk about discipleship, and the importance of leaning on each other, and I felt at that moment that I had no one to lean on.

Enter the Holy Spirit. While I was lamenting my failures, and allowing the enemy to have a field day in my mind up to the point that I was determined to cut off relationships that I knew were vital to my success. I finally decided to open my bible for my one year reading, that I'd neglected during the previous week. I came across the above passage and literally broke down. It's amazing how the Word of God can pinpoint exactly the emotion that you are feeling at a time. I dropped to my knees and begin to pray to God about what I was feeling, and in those moments of prayer it came to me that sometimes the Lord will test us to prove our worth or our resolve. This sparked a new revelation that i will touch on tomorrow but it felt as if the light had been switched back on and I'd found my place again. I felt the love of God wrap around me and I felt validated again. The lesson I learned however was that times like these are simply a sign for me to push through the darkness to the next phase. I'm glad to say that I'm back on track and feeling good again. Praise God.
Final thing. The last two versus are what pulled me out of my funk. "But I will trust in your UNFAILING LOVE. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me." These words, trusting in God's unfailing love. Rejoicing because he is good. Worshipping. It was in that moment when I realized the significance of his his assurance that he would never leave nor forsake me. Sometimes We are tested. Sometimes we have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, but GOD IS ALWAYS THERE. He will never leave, nor forsake us. Even if I make my bed in hell(psalm 139:8). Praise God.

Peace.

What's Your Motivation?

I've been doing the One Year Bible and it's been great. I don't always get everyday in, but admittedly I'm doing more reading of the Word now, than I've ever done in my life. Anyway, I was reading a passage in Matthew 8:19-22, two separate men come to Jesus with two agendas.

The first man was a religious teacher who proclaimed passionately that he would follow Jesus anywhere. The Lord's reply to him was “Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man[a] has no place even to lay his head.”

...????

Okay.

The second guy comes to the Lord with a reasonable request as well. He simply wants to go and bury his father, and then he will be free to follow Jesus. The Lord's reply? “Follow me now. Let the spiritually dead bury their own dead.”

...WOW.

Seemingly two insensitive responses by our beloved Saviour and Prince of Peace, and before I honestly did not understand the reason for Jesus curt responses. I think I do now though. The two men definitely represent a large part of men who have once attempted or are attempting to follow Christ. I definitely see the similarities in myself to both men. Both men apparently had a will to follow Jesus but it was their character and motivations that shown through in their professions.

The first man was eager. We've all been there. He saw the miracles Jesus was doing, felt the power, understood that this man was something special and rather zealously proclaimed he would follow Him anywhere. Doesn't sound bad does it? Shouldn't we all have the same passion? Well looking at Jesus response it is obvious that he saw to the heart of the man's true nature. He was looking for his own personal gain. In his zealousness he had not counted the cost of such an oath. He saw the fame, the acclaim, and notoriety and decided he would coattail Christ. I have often been the same way in a moment of passion, or excitement, professing to follow the Lord without fail. Making rash promises to impress a God that needs no impression. Obedience being better than sacrifice, Jesus reply makes sense. He was getting across to the man that, whatever perks you think will come from being a part of my entourage, let me set the record straight on that. Sometimes we only want to follow God when he is doing miraculous things in hopes that the "blessings" will rain down on us by default, when our motive should really be to follow the Lord due to our passion for the work of the Kingdom. That in itself is a decision that requires a great deal of self-evaluation and reflection to make sure that a pure heart and motive are present.

The second man was less eager to follow. Feeling that he had other pressing matters to attend, he wanted Jesus to wait while he buried his father. He wanted to follow Christ, but had qualms about leaving his family behind. So he made his request. The thing is, I could actually relate to this guy also because I've often said, "okay God, just let me do this thing in my life, and I'm all yours." His reply? "NO. Follow me NOW." The urgency and bluntness of Jesus response is important because it indicates an urgency in our ability to make a decision to follow Christ. I understand now, that this guy was never going to make up his mind. If it wasn't his father, it would have been his wife, if not his wife, then his job. Excuse after excuse until he would have procrastinated his destiny away. I've been this guy, up until recently, when I realized it was not going to happen unless I dropped everything and gave myself over to the Lord. How many of us though still hold some excuse as to why we avoid our calling? Avoid our purpose? Jesus said to him, follow me NOW. Let the dead bury the dead. It wasn't lack of compassion, he is the Lamb of God, it was a sense of urgency to the young man that if he missed this opportunity it may never come around again. He would regret it, long after his father was dead and he was wandering without purpose.

One man had passion but wrong motivation. Another had too many excuses, and was a procrastinator. Both wanted to follow Christ, but both had a flawed way of thinking that would have eventually derailed them from the very thing they were trying to pursue. I realize with myself that it's important that I examine every action and motive to be sure it is pure and of God, and at the same time that I remove excuses and events that will allow me to procrastinate and put off my pursuit of righteousness. And so like Jesus says, Follow Him Now, with a pure heart and pure mind. Seek first His kingdom, and his righteousness and allow Him to bless your diligence, not just your passion.

Transparent Tuesday

So...let's call today, Transparent Tuesday. I don't know if I come off condescending at times on here(at times, lol, it's only been a few days)but here is a letter I sent to a mentor of mine:

So I've been having a problem. It started some time last year, about the time that my wife and I were in counseling. My wife had found some poems that I'd written about a year and a half ago, and the tone and content of the poems basically reflected the things that we ended up going through. Caused a huge deal. Fast forward into last fall and when I began to think about my gift and where and how I usually got my inspiration, i started to realize that all inspiration is not Godly inspiration, I kind of took on this sort of apprehension about my writing.

See, I'd always thought that creativity had nothing to do with faith, and vice-versa. Now I'm not so sure. The bible says that out of the heart flows the issues of life. I was almost subconsciously writing poetry about what i was dealing with, going through and all that. There was almost a prophetic aspect to the things I was writing. Now looking back I realize that i left myself open to dangerous things and I now have a great fear of my own creativity now.

When you asked me if I was ready to start performing again last week, i went home and thought about it. I havent written anything in a long time, and at first it was because I felt empty, but now it's because I fear tapping into my creative side again. I feel as though my gift has somehow betrayed me, and I know longer trust that side of myself. It's been heartbreaking because I've never felt so bound creatively before. I don't really know who I am as an artist anymore. I'm having trouble finding my place, and a huge part of it is because I no longer trust my creative insight. I don't know what to do.


I guess I post this because being transparent and confronting fear is great part of being a man. So there it is.